“Those without expectations are never disappointed”

The fortune cookie paper with this statement remained taped inside my journal for years.  Then, a wise man told me, “those without expectations soon die.” And, that made a much bigger impression on me.  It’s my hopes and dreams that keep me going.

I've stopped eating fortune cookies.

Still, somehow I worry that if I get too confident about my Wednesday appointment with Neuro #4, I’m opening myself for a big let down.  Could I handle yet another big letdown?

Of course I can handle it.

Would I be disappointed?  You betcha.

In the meantime, I’m counting on him. His specialty is neuroimmunology.  Something I didn’t even know was a specialty.

From his bio:  He has been able to recruit nearly a dozen nationally and internationally known neurologists to his team resulting in a world class treatment center. “It allows us to take a team approach,” he says. “If we have an interesting or difficult patient we can grab someone and find out what they think.”

So, since I am counting on Neuro #4, I want to be sure I make the best impression possible.  I want to be prepared but not rehearsed.  Confident but not “know it all”.   And most of all, I want to be sincere, human, and able to keep it together.  I also want to be sure I understand what is going on.  I will ask questions and make my values known at the beginning of my exam.  (Thanks Dr. D – you’ve given me so much).

The big question is what to wear.

This may sound totally silly but I believe it impacts how I am treated.  When I go to appointments in my work clothes (business suits or other attire), I feel like I get treated differently.  Though Neuro #1 did ask once, “Are you going to work or something?”  The answer was “Yes.  In fact I work across the street.”  At University Hospital, I dressed on the casual side (plain polo shirt and jeans) and I’m not really the casual type.  I believe that had an impact on how that doc saw me as a busy Mom rather than a patient with real problems.

So, my dear fellow patients – do you think about what to wear to your appointments?  What do you wear?

Am I being ridiculous in asking this question?  Be honest, I can take it.

I’m even planning my hair style and makeup – subtle but enough to show I care about my appearance no matter what pain and limitations I have.

I’d like to hear from you.  And, I also ask for your good vibes.   Even though I know I can handle another letdown (I’m a strong lady), I’m wishing for help and/or an increase in peace of mind.

As always, thank you for reading and I wish you the best.  I look forward to reporting back on Wednesday.

Doctor D was so kind in nominating me for a MedGadget Medblog Award for Best Patient’s Blog.  I made it as a finalist.  The polls are open until February 14, but it’s no surprise that I don’t have many votes.  If you are so inclined, you may vote by clicking here and/or check how I am doing in the polls.

I appreciate the campaigning that has been done on behalf of The Queen of Optimism by my friends including  DearThyroid, Sick Momma, and the Herman Letters.

Sure, this little blog is not of the award winning caliber.  But there is a bigger reason why I can not win this contest.

Anonymity.

Very few people I know are aware that I keep a patient blog. In fact, prior to becoming a finalist, I think only five people from my off-line life knew I did this and only two had ever read it.  One of the two people is my spouse.

Since becoming a finalist, I have joked with friends and co-workers about the fact I am a blog contest finalist.  But I haven’t shared the details.

Plus, if you know me, you know I don’t talk about my personal life much.  I’m private and more comfortable talking about you.  And frivolous subjects such as hair, makeup, and the occasional celebrity gossip.  If I’m feeling feisty, I will talk about my passion for helping the less fortunate as my career, what I know about “real” politics, and things I’ve heard on NPR.  But I won’t tell you I’m moderately deaf and wear hearing aids, unless I’m having trouble hearing you.

If I knew people who know me were reading this, I’d censor myself and my feelings.  I’d worry about my spelling and grammar.  I write and edit for my work. A ton. My blog is different.  It’s for me.  It’s for you that happens to stumble upon it.  It’s for the little community that builds around me as I share myself and read what others have shared.

I have no real disease/disorder related community to connect with.  While I LOVE Dear Thyroid, I find myself as a bit of an outsider because I’m told by my docs that my thyroid problem and goiter are not much of an issue.

So what I’m asking for is that you vote.  Even if it’s not for me, check out the other patient and medical blogs.  You could find a new person to add to your community and you just might make someone’s day.

Thanks!

Best wishes always,

-Q

January 22, 2010

Dear Dr. Neurologist,

I am submitting the MRI pictures for my brain, c-spine, t-spine, and l-spine, all taken in March 2009.  I have also included reports.

At this time, I have been experiencing an increase in my symptoms.  My impaired ability to dorsiflex my left foot typically fluctuates from mild to severe.  Lately, it is more often severe.  I am also presenting with other symptoms that have my Rheumatologist and Family Physician convinced the nature of the problems is neurological.  They are both also convinced that you are the doctor to figure out what has been baffling my other doctors.

I have a great career and am a happy mother and wife who wants a better quality of life.

Thank you for reviewing and I look forward to meeting with you.

Best regards,

Patient Q

********************************************************************

Could it be that this letter convinced Neurologist #4 to see me?  In less than three weeks, no less?  Did he find something in my MRI pictures that no one else caught?  Did I get drawn from the pile as a case for a Resident? (grrrrrowwwwll)

I discovered today that Dr. PCP never had a chance to speak with Dr. Neurologist. She never sent him any reports.  All he had to go by in selecting me was the above letter, two CDs of images, two MRI reports, and an EMG report.  His assistant told me it would not be enough to get me an appointment.  But I did.

Dr. PCP’s Medical Assistant feels divine intervention is at play.  I don’t think I can believe in that kind of thing no matter how strongly I want to.

I found myself at Dr. PCP’s office this morning because getting ready for work and driving with my arm in its current condition is not only painful but also challenging.  And, I feel, a safety risk.

My Sternocleidomastoid is still in spasm and now my trapezius muscle is as well.

“Let’s go back to basics” Dr. PCP said.  “It could be as simple as a radiculopathy”

So, off I went to the hospital with my x-ray prescription.  Several radiation exposures later, I was told I could leave.

Not so simple…simply puzzling.

No signs of radiculopathy or any lumbrosacral abnormalities.  I would have guessed I would have some visible issue with my left hip.  Nope.  I really wanted it to be simple.  I want to be just another person with sciatica or a pinched nerve.  Dammit!

It’s back to methyprednisolinone and valium for me.  Who knew? Valium is an effective muscle spasm reducer. I always thought it was just for anxiety so doubted its ability to help me until increasing my dosage.  Apparently, it only makes one loopy if they don’t actually need it.

For now, I seek relief.  I want to feel productive at work and feel productive for my appointment with Neuro #4.  Dr. PCP feels it’s not a good idea for her to join me for the first appointment but plans to call the doc to get him up to speed before I get there.  I wish she’d reconsider.

Please, please, please let this work out.

Let me be on the road to treatment that can help me get closer to the me I hope for.