That’s the problem. I’ve entered in Anger phase in full force and I’m stuck like Gorilla Glue.
I’m referring to Kübler-Ross / Five Stages of Grief. Though the model was first described as a process of emotions for coping with dying, Kübler-Ross has extended the model to cover grief for any life-altering event including illness and the illness of someone close to you.
These are the emotional stages and according to the author and researchers who have further studied them, not every person going through serious emotional situations goes through each of the stages, the order is not the same for everyone, and it’s possible to get stuck in a stage.
Shock stage*: Initial paralysis at hearing the bad news.
Denial stage: Trying to avoid the inevitable.
Anger stage: Frustrated outpouring of bottled-up emotion.
Bargaining stage: Seeking in vain for a way out.
Depression stage: Final realization of the inevitable.
Testing stage*: Seeking realistic solutions.
Acceptance stage:y Finally finding the way forward.
I feel like last year is when I officially entered the stages of grief. In early 2011, I had ACDF surgery as recommended by my amazing Hopkins doctor. Following the surgery, I did not have all of the expect improvements. My Hopkins Doctor officially gave up on me. There was nothing he could do. No identified reason for why I have trouble walking and all of my associated problems.
I did Depression, Testing, Denial,a little acceptance and now – It’s been so bottled up, it’s exploding out. I’m angry, frustrated and the outpouring is so strong, I can’t hold it back.
Its ruining my relationships – no one wants to be around someone who can’t get it together.
I’m angry that my new job came with an unexpected twist of someone who finds ways to make things more difficult. I’m angry that I can’t deal with this well. i once was a person who knew how to manage this type of situation with class and in a way that would put an end to the behavior of this other person.
I’m angry about my hearing loss. something i have dealt with for years now has complications plus, my hearing ability is worse. i miss a lot in conversation. i’m mad that this is my life. I’m mad that
i’m not emotionally strong enough to keep the anger bottled up. I’m angry that I’m angry. it’s a newer emotion for me and it’s like a tornado – ruins everything in it’s path. i don’t know how to stop it. Depression is where my emotions would go. My depression seemed to hurt me much more than anyone else. My anger is hurting every aspect of my life and there’s no “normal” way to make excuses for it. What am I going to do? I’m so scared.
What emotions are sticky for you?
Best,
Q
Filed under: In search of happiness, Mental Health, Uncategorized
Just found your blog, courtesy of Karen Craven.
Love your writing. It is cathartic to read the posts of someone else betrayed by the medical community.
Keep up the writing – you have a gift.
If enough of us make a lot of noise about the shoddy state of medicine, perhaps someday, someone will listen.
I’m glad you blogged about this.
Women are judged more harshly for anger – it is seen as more inappropriate for women to be angry. Especially the things that a sick woman is likely to get angry about, i.e. unreasonable demands on her resources. Women aren’t supposed to have limits to their resources, and god help them if they appear pissed off in response to what seem (to them) like unreasonable demands. I say this as someone who has struggled with anger as my primary negative emotion for most of my life. I do get depressed, but it tends to have an angry tinge to it (think prototypical teenage boy angst and you have a general idea of the sort of “depressed” I’m talking about).
I think also when it comes to anger in women, in addition to there being no or little legitimate claim to female anger socially, many of us lack practice with it other than shutting it down and beating ourselves up for feeling/expressing it. One thing I used to do was to exercise. It helped to put my brain on hold while I worked my body, or maybe it was to push all that energy into a physical and not bad source. It’s been so long since I’ve been able to do this. When you’re sick, having the time and energy for exercise, at least to that level, is often a no go.
Now, I work very hard on visualizing, on controlling the things that I can reasonably expect to have control over. My husband and I have developed a vocabulary of bad days, “c-sorry” (meaning “condolences” sorry, as in “I’m not taking on responsibility for these troubles but I am very sorry that they are hurting you”); “prickly” (as in worked up and ruminating over something and trying not to put it out there on an undeserving person”); “disconnected” (as in “not a good time for me to be intimate, emotionally or physically, because I am prickly”).
I also give myself the right to be angry about things that are inappropriate and unreasonable providing my anger is appropriately manifested and directed – I find that an amplifier for my anger is when I get angry with myself for feeling it, which tends to lead to explosive moments.
I also hold to the “faking it until you can make it” theory on days when I find myself on the edge of being consumed. I try to find humor in things, even if it is dark humor. This may verge on inappropriate but it has kept me from totally losing it here and there so I do rely on it.
And having someone to rant to is so important. Even a blog helps! It’s a big function of my blog – although I do acknowledge that the angry flavor of many of my posts is probably a big part of why I don’t have a large readership.
Lastly, therapy. For me this is critical because as I said, I do struggle with anger and have since before getting sick; and women are always going to get cues that their anger is inappropriate in cause or character, regardless of whether it is or isn’t. So basically I know I am angry too often and too much but I am not going to be able to use most of the people around me for feedback on it since the people around me are likely to have an over-representation of the “no angry women!” sorts. My therapist is someone I trust to give me appropriate feedback on the character, cause, and manifestation of my anger. She’s got a background in dealing with patients with chronic illnesses and is very practical, as in “how are we going to deal with this” instead of the irritating and (I feel) unhelpful analytical approach of “how does that make you feel”? I know how it makes me feel, angry. And that makes me feel like I don’t have control and like I am toxic. So let’s move on from there and find ways for me to at least address those.
I seem to bounce from stage to stage every few days or so. Mostly I am in that depressed category. Ya know, women are not expected to have these feelings, we are the strong ones that carry everyone else through the bad times. When my Mom died last year I was the strong one…I just shut everything off. When it comes to my illness I am constantly stuck between anger and depression. Thanks for this post,