I’ve had several blog post ideas swirling in my mind. Instead, I haven’t posted since before the start of 2012.
Sure, I’ve been busy but I’ve got some big emotions that I’m not handling well. This is weighing heavily on my life. It’s keeping me from doing what I feel like I want to do. And, from things I should be doing.
The emotions that are most damaging to me right now are fear, anxiety, frustration, loneliness, depression. The uglier emotions harder to admit: jealousy, depression, and anger.
I’m so scared and anxious. Scared of saying the wrong thing. Making a poor choice. Nervous about the restrictions put on my job – 
the possibility that it will only last a year or less because of funding.
I’m confused. Some moments are surprising and encouraging. They feel terrific. Not too far later, something happens to spark discouragement and loneliness. And I can’t get back to terrific quickly enough.
Encouraging: WEGO Blog award nomination; My Response: Writer’s Block and feelings of unworthiness; Impact: No new content for judges to read – unlikely to be a winner.
Encouraging: Friends reaching out to me; My Response: I feel like I can’t respond – I’m afraid of saying the wrong thing.
Just so much fear and anxiety. Not about my health. But surely becoming a new health problem for me. I feel like I am going to lose everything- my job, house, friends, good reputation, my smile.
I have a drawer full of gifts for friends and colleagues that I still haven’t given: sent, hand-delivered, or notified the recipient/suggesting we meet up. I received a gift from a long-distance friend today and not only have I not sent her gift, I did not call to thank her today. I want to thank her. She means a lot to me.
It’s time for my nightly ritual. Hugging my little dog and holding hands with my husband.
I hope when I re-read this post it can help me figure out how to get help for my new form of chronic pain – a hurting heart.
Best to you,
-Q
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Filed under: Health, In search of happiness, Mental Health Tagged: | chronic illness, chronic pain, disability, living with uncertainty, optimism, working with disabilities
Sorry you are feeling so bad.
Did you mean to include your address at the end of the post?
Many thanks! Plus thanks for notification about the address – it’s not mine but indeed was an accident.