I hear people describe themselves by the names others can call them: Wife…Mother..Sister…Daughter…Cousin…Niece…Daughter-
in-law…Sister-in-Law.
When any of the above roles we have are strained, should we look for comfort in one of the many other roles we have?
Boss…co-worker…room parent…patient…driver…public radio listener…business book reader…online shopper…bill payer…tax payer…disability advocate…relationship ruiner…
I want to continue this list but I’m stuck on relationship ruiner. That’s who I am. That’s what I do.
The relationship ruining is evident as this week closes. If I wasn’t me – if I was someone else, my former boss would not have treated me the way she did. Therefore I would not have felt the pressure to move on to my current job and would not have written the exit interview my other boss requested. Writing the exit interview answers was challenging. I had to think back about things I want to forget. I want to forget because it would make life easier. If I could just forget, I wouldn’t have to forgive. I wouldn’t have to wonder “why?” – it would be almost as if it never happened.
The relationship with my in-laws is broken. Earlier this year, because of something I said and did when I was exhausted, I ruined the relationship. I believe it was broken from the beginning. In fact, I sought out some guidance on how to fix it. I haven’t taken the time to see a therapist so I looked for a reference self-help book. I got 3 rules into the Mother-in-Law rules and realized it was hopeless. I am hopeless. I didn’t start things on the right foot and they may be a bigger problem for me anyway. According to the rules, i should have been complimenting more; calling just to say hello; thanking her for giving birth to my now husband, etc., etc.
When I think of my in-laws, can I blame them at all? Until I thumbed through a notebook tonight, I had forgotten that earlier this year, the relationship was further strained by my sister-in-laws and mother-in-law using the time that I said something I wish I could take back to go on a one month rant of all of the reasons why they dislike gave me.
One reason MIL gave: “She’s[me] always talking about my disability this. My disability that. Our next door neighbor Peggy Sue actually has something – she has MS and you never hear her say anything about it…”
That was it. That was enough to make me feel completely uncared for. And, it was enough to make it impossible for me to attend Holiday activities with them this year.
What might I say or do that would make them dislike me more? It’s an anxiety-producing proposition. Why? Because my disability is on my mind. What’s going on in my life is not things they want to hear about:
- I went to the Ophthalmologist this week. My optic nerve is elevated so…
- I’m seeing a neuro-ophthalmologist is a couple weeks.
- I’m sure it’s nothing because if I acted like it might be something, I’m not being as great as Peggy Sue.
- Let’s see, what else…hmm… My left hearing aid is broken?
- No, no… you don’t want to hear about that either.
- Wait, um, Merry Christmas and thanks for giving birth to my husband!
- Oh, you’re right. My problems are really hard on him…
- My blog is up for an award! Yes, my blog. It’s a, um no, it has nothing to do with Facebook. Yes, I use twitter. That’s not what twitter is about. It’s microblogging.
…Twitter user…blogger….queen of optimism….office supply freak…person with vision problems…person with mobility problems…and many more…
What are your roles?
Best,
-Q
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May I recast this a bit? I propose instead of “relationship ruiner”, person who doesn’t have the resources to spare for bulls**t. I’m sorry that you are among people who expect you to take crap and smile about it. It is a struggle to find a way to not become embittered by how poorly people act when their unrealistic and selfish expectations are not met.
Its been a long time since I checked in on your blog and am now catching up. I have a couple of thoughts to share with you:
1- Are you in-laws loving, respectful, and honest people? If they are NOT, then you would be wise to end your relationship with them as each of us is responsible for managing our mental health, NOT just our physical health. I had to end my relationship with my parents in my mid 40′s due to the emotional damage their words and behavior was continuing to cause me. It has actually been a RELIEF.
2. If your in-laws are loving, respectful and honest people (which I’m doubtful of, but admittedly don’t have a lot of information) then a sit-down or a scheduled phone call with them to 1-apologize for whatever it was that you said and 2 – an EXPLANATION for exactly why you were not at your best that day and spoke inappropriately should be enough for them. If they graciously accept and move on, then they are good people. However, the fact that they verbally attacked you by listing all the things they never liked about you makes me skeptical that they are honorable people. No one is obligated to subject herself to the ugliness of unloving and disrespectful people no matter what the relationship is (friend, parent, adult child, etc.)
3. About friendships: years ago after I got out of a psych hospital (I had admitted myself and underwent ECTs,) one of my close friends was just not comfortable hearing about my time there and my struggles. For whatever reason she just cannot deal with more than a brief discussion of my depression. I have different “levels” of discussion of my battle with different friends. With some of them I can tell them exactly how I am feeling, what my fears are, etc. With others I just tell them I”m struggling but am taking my meds and seeing my dr and hoping to improve. But no matter how bad things are I always make sure to ask them how they are doing. Though most of them don’t have medical or mental health issues that rise to the level of anything other than inconvenience, I don’t want to come across as self-absorbed and chronic complainer as they’d begin to feel the relationship was all about me and never about them. Sometimes this is really really hard but I know in the long run it’s worth it.
Great advice and insights. Thank you very much!