As much as I contemplate my stamina and interest in sticking with the journey of getting to the bottom of what’s wrong with me, I’m not willing to retreat at this point.

I am not willing to accept that I have an unnamed disease and simply move on.  I need to know more.  For me and for my son who is following too closely in my footsteps health wise.

I’ve never been one to throw in the towel on much of anything.  It’s part an innate competitive nature and part compulsiveness to be a person with an extremely high follow through factor.  Nevertheless, I’m giving up.  I’m giving up on NaNoWriMo and trying desperately to give up on thinking things will improve in my work position.

I’m not abandoning my novel entirely.  I am enjoying coming up with ideas and focusing on art for art’s sake.  However, I am taking off the pressure to “win” by completing 50,000 words by November 30.  I had no way of predicting that November would bring me several days of working 10-12 hours, PTA volunteer commitments well in to the evening, illness, child illness, a Thanksgiving trip out of town that will be delayed by an enormous work event, or an intense fatigue that has creeped up on me.  Please do not mistake these statements for excuses.  I could commit to all-nighters to get to 50,000 words.  However, I am choosing not to.

It’s difficult for me to bow out of the race for NaNoWriMo.  That’s not my typical style.  I believe I can do it all and set out to prove it every day.  This way of living has finally caught up with me.  It’s disappointing.  I’m exhausted beyond what I thought possible.

I may not be so opposed if it were Boston Cream pie.

It doesn’t help that my work situation has suddenly become more challenging.  I’m not going to complain because we are actually suffering from the opposite problem of other businesses right now.  Still, it is intense and I am having figurative dysphagia with the amount of humble pie I swallow in the name of keeping others from getting blamed.   It is what it is and today, it sucks.

I can’t help but wonder if I made a poor decision a couple of years ago.  I was in the running for a job that would have lead me to experts in the field of autoimmune disease.  At the same time, I received a promotion and when comparing my commute, salary, and benefits, I took the better financial deal by staying where I am.  Would I be any closer to answers with my health had I gone the other way?  It’s so curious.

All I can do is hope for an end to this fatigue, answers that will improve my quality of life, and more simply – hope for a better day.
Thank you for reading.  I genuinely care about your comments.