More than this

Posted on January 25, 2012 by queenofoptimism

I want to write/blog more but when I reach my blogging destination, I believe I get discouraged.
I don’t know how to pain fancy nail art.
I don’t adventure.
I’m no gourmet.
Or photographer.
I don’t have thousands of followers.
My content is different.
And some days I’m too busy or too hurty to say more than this.
I wish I could write more often.
I wish I could go to see LIFE after death in Boston at Tufts, sponsored by WEGO Health on Feb. 2.
I wish this WordPress iPad app would let me cut & paste the link but it won’t.

Next, I have less than 2 days to write a grant proposal – a big one – for $1 million. this is part of my job duties and i will do my very best. If only I had control over how my body feels.

with care and concern,
-Q

PS: this wordpress app is superlame

Filed under: Disability, Health, Physical Health | 1 Comment »

It’s Anger!

Posted on January 16, 2012 by queenofoptimism

20120116-204258.jpg

That’s the problem. I’ve entered in Anger phase in full force and I’m stuck like Gorilla Glue.

I’m referring to Kübler-Ross / Five Stages of Grief. Though the model was first described as a process of emotions for coping with dying, Kübler-Ross has extended the model to cover grief for any life-altering event including illness and the illness of someone close to you.

These are the emotional stages and according to the author and researchers who have further studied them, not every person going through serious emotional situations goes through each of the stages, the order is not the same for everyone, and it’s possible to get stuck in a stage.

Shock stage*: Initial paralysis at hearing the bad news.
Denial stage: Trying to avoid the inevitable.
Anger stage: Frustrated outpouring of bottled-up emotion.
Bargaining stage: Seeking in vain for a way out.
Depression stage: Final realization of the inevitable.
Testing stage*: Seeking realistic solutions.
Acceptance stage:y Finally finding the way forward.

I feel like last year is when I officially entered the stages of grief. In early 2011, I had ACDF surgery as recommended by my amazing Hopkins doctor. Following the surgery, I did not have all of the expect improvements. My Hopkins Doctor officially gave up on me. There was nothing he could do. No identified reason for why I have trouble walking and all of my associated problems.

I did Depression, Testing, Denial,a little acceptance and now – It’s been so bottled up, it’s exploding out. I’m angry, frustrated and the outpouring is so strong, I can’t hold it back.
Its ruining my relationships – no one wants to be around someone who can’t get it together.
I’m angry that my new job came with an unexpected twist of someone who finds ways to make things more difficult. I’m angry that I can’t deal with this well. i once was a person who knew how to manage this type of situation with class and in a way that would put an end to the behavior of this other person.

I’m angry about my hearing loss. something i have dealt with for years now has complications plus, my hearing ability is worse. i miss a lot in conversation. i’m mad that this is my life. I’m mad that

i’m not emotionally strong enough to keep the anger bottled up. I’m angry that I’m angry. it’s a newer emotion for me and it’s like a tornado – ruins everything in it’s path. i don’t know how to stop it. Depression is where my emotions would go. My depression seemed to hurt me much more than anyone else. My anger is hurting every aspect of my life and there’s no “normal” way to make excuses for it. What am I going to do? I’m so scared.

What emotions are sticky for you?

Best,
Q

Filed under: In search of happiness, Mental Health, Uncategorized | 3 Comments »

Pushing through painful emotions

Posted on January 15, 2012 by queenofoptimism

I’ve had several blog post ideas swirling in my mind.  Instead, I haven’t posted since before the start of 2012.

Sure, I’ve been busy but I’ve got some big emotions that I’m not handling well.  This is weighing heavily on my life.  It’s keeping me from doing what I feel like I want to do.  And, from things I should be doing.

The emotions that are most damaging to me right now are fear, anxiety, frustration, loneliness, depression.    The uglier emotions harder to admit: jealousy, depression, and anger.

I’m so scared and anxious.  Scared of saying the wrong thing.  Making a poor choice.  Nervous about the restrictions put on my job – the possibility that it will only last a year or less because of funding.

I’m confused.  Some moments are surprising and encouraging.  They feel terrific.  Not too far later, something happens to spark discouragement and loneliness.  And I can’t get back to terrific quickly enough.

Encouraging:  WEGO Blog award nomination; My Response:  Writer’s Block and feelings of unworthiness; Impact: No new content for judges to read – unlikely to be a winner.

Encouraging: Friends reaching out to me; My Response:  I feel like I can’t respond – I’m afraid of saying the wrong thing.

Just so much fear and anxiety.  Not about my health.  But surely becoming a new health problem for me.  I feel like I am going to lose everything- my job, house, friends, good reputation, my smile.

I have a drawer full of gifts for friends and colleagues that I still haven’t given: sent, hand-delivered, or notified the recipient/suggesting we meet up.   I received a gift from a long-distance friend today and not only have I not sent her gift, I did not call to thank her today.  I want to thank her.  She means a lot to me.

It’s time for my nightly ritual.  Hugging my little dog and holding hands with my husband.

I hope when I re-read this post it can help me figure  out how to get help for my new form of chronic pain – a hurting heart.

Best to you,

-Q

 

Filed under: In search of happiness, Health, Mental Health | Tagged: , , , , , | 2 Comments »

The 2011 Take on Optimism

Posted on December 27, 2011 by queenofoptimism

Optimism has frequently been in headlines this year.

Popular publications Time (March and May 2011) and Psychology Today (November 2011) dedicated entire issues to the subject.

I connect with all things happy and smiley. This must be one of my tactics - I see something smiley. I smile. I feel more optimistic. I get through a tough time rather than running away.

In Your Back Up Brain by Dan Hurley, Hurley explores a different mind-body connection than the ‘ol Mind over Matter mantra.  He introduces us to the man on the frontier of NeuroGastroenterology:  Colombia University professor, Michael Gershon.  Dr. Gershon has been studying the the enteric nervous system (ENS) -what he calls the gut’s brain – it’s what gives us those stress feelings in our tummies.

Annie Murphy Paul’s Optimism gets to the heart of what many of us ponder: Do we fit in the half-full or half-empty group?  Paul lets us know that we don’t have to pick a glass and can be realistic in the process.

I re-read a few  sentences over and over: “[ Optimism plays the part of ] overruling the doubts and worries that might otherwise paralyze us into inaction.”

That’s it!  When others around me are doubtful, I pull out my optimism.  If I didn’t, I’m not sure I could complete the next presentation.  Focus on the next project.  Show up tomorrow.  This goes for my health / medical life.  This next appointment will be worth it.  In fact, the next appointment may be the last appointment ever.

Time’s article The Optimism Bias is a call for optimism and its link to all individuals regardless of socioeconomic status.  Optimism and Hope are the only answers I have for the economic crisis.  I can visualize families all-smiles as they sign the dotted line on a mortgage that is higher than they can afford….”We’ll be able to make it because I’ll get a better job.  And you’re going back to school.  we’ll save so much because we’ll be happy….”

What do you think?  I’d love to hear from you!

What are your thoughts about Optimism? 

Do you believe that optimism improves a person’s health?  In what ways?  Why or why not?

Did you read any of the above referenced articles?  have any others to share?

Best wishes to you,

-Q

Filed under: Disability, Health, Hopes and Dreams, In search of happiness, Optimism | Tagged: , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

Who am I? I keep forgetting

Posted on December 25, 2011 by queenofoptimism

I hear people describe themselves by the names others can call them:  Wife…Mother..Sister…Daughter…Cousin…Niece…Daughter-in-law…Sister-in-Law. 

When any of the above roles we have are strained, should we look for comfort in one of  the many other roles we have?

Boss…co-worker…room parent…patient…driver…public radio listener…business book reader…online shopper…bill payer…tax payer…disability advocate…relationship ruiner…

I want to continue this list but I’m stuck on relationship ruiner.  That’s who I am.  That’s what I do.

The relationship ruining is evident as this week closes.  If I wasn’t me – if I was someone else, my former boss would not have treated me the way she did.  Therefore I would not have felt the pressure to move on to my current job and would not have written the exit interview my other boss requested.  Writing the exit interview answers was challenging.  I had to think back about things I want to forget.  I want to forget because it would make life easier.  If I could just forget, I wouldn’t have to forgive.  I wouldn’t have to wonder “why?” – it would be almost as if it never happened.

The relationship with my in-laws is broken. Earlier this year, because of something I said and did when I was exhausted, I ruined the relationship. I believe it was broken from the beginning.  In fact, I sought out some guidance on how to fix it.  I haven’t taken the time to see a therapist so I looked for a reference self-help book.  I got 3 rules into the Mother-in-Law rules and realized it was hopeless.  I am hopeless.  I didn’t start things on the right foot and they may be a bigger problem for me anyway.  According to the rules, i should have been complimenting more; calling just to say hello; thanking her for giving birth to my now husband, etc., etc.

When I think of my in-laws, can I blame them at all?  Until I thumbed through a notebook tonight, I had forgotten that earlier this year, the relationship was further strained by my sister-in-laws and mother-in-law using the time that I said something I wish I could take back to go on a one month rant of all of the reasons why they dislike gave me.

One reason MIL gave: “She’s[me] always talking about my disability this.  My disability that.  Our next door neighbor Peggy Sue actually has something – she  has MS and you never hear her say anything about it…”

 

That was it.  That was enough to make me feel completely uncared for.  And, it was enough to make it impossible for me to attend Holiday activities with them this year.

What might I say or do that would make them dislike me more?  It’s an anxiety-producing proposition.  Why?  Because my disability is on my mind. What’s going on in my life is not things they want to hear about:

  • I went to the Ophthalmologist this week.  My optic nerve is elevated so…
  • I’m seeing a neuro-ophthalmologist is a couple weeks.
  • I’m sure it’s nothing because if I acted like it might be something, I’m not being as great as Peggy Sue.
  • Let’s see, what else…hmm… My left hearing aid is broken?
  • No, no… you don’t want to hear about that either.
  • Wait, um, Merry Christmas and thanks for giving birth to my husband!
  • Oh, you’re right.  My problems are really hard on him…
  • My blog is up for an award!  Yes, my blog.  It’s a, um no, it has nothing to do with Facebook.  Yes, I use twitter.  That’s not what twitter is about.  It’s microblogging.

…Twitter user…blogger….queen of optimism….office supply freak…person with vision problems…person with mobility problems…and many more…

What are your roles?

Best,

-Q

 

 

Filed under: Uncategorized | 3 Comments »

Striking twice in nearly the same place

Posted on December 18, 2011 by queenofoptimism

On February 7, 2009, I started this blog with a post about abnormal redness and other symptoms in my left eye. 

I woke up on Monday, December 12 with a dark red right eye. The redness comes with stabbing pain, blurry vision, tearing, and puffiness.  See photo, right.  For lack of knowing what else to do, I used 3 Tobradexdrops.  That’s the pharmaceutical I have on hand

My right eye, Dec. 12, 2011

for when my left eye does this.  My Dr.  PCP would likely like to know about this but I have done what I was supposed to do.  She recommended 5 months ago that with my newly acquired good insurance that I go to a Neuro-Ophthalmologist.

I have yet to make an appointment.

I believe I have a long list of reasonable excuses for not making the appointment.  The overarching reason (beside working a ton of hours at my new  job) is my reluctance to start it up again.

What is It?  It is the commitment to new doctor-patient relationships.  These relationships include follow up including more of it.

The multiple doctors.  The tests.  The referral notes.  The blood draws.  The waiting.  The retelling of my history. 

I’m over it.

Even so, I called the Neuro-Ophthalmologist on Friday and found out I need a report from a regular Ophthalmologist stating why it is important that I see the super special Neuro-Ophthalmologist.  I don’t really have access to that.  I stopped seeing my Ophthalmologist when she stopped providing me with helpful information and suggested  there may be nothing wrong.

I find it difficult to believe that anyone could look at my eye in this condition and not at least diagnose me as having something wrong.  Perhaps I should see if I can get an appointment at super eye clinic with a regular Ophthalmologist who will then connect me with a Neuro – O?

While I am admitting my lack of follow-through, I will admit:  It has been 1.5 years since I have seen an endocrinologist and I have not had any follow-up on my multinodular goiter.  This is partly by choice of not wanting to deal with it and also because of a busy schedule.

I also need an Otolarngologist – to get my ears and larynx checked and get  new hearing aids.  I’m having such a hard time hearing and my ears are full of dry skin and yucky stuff.

The Pain Management Doctor I am seeing has got me to a place where oral pain medication is limited, a patch is my main treatment and I remain at 2.5mg of Prednisone.  Pain Doc believes I need an MRI of the Lumbar spine.  My last L-spine was in January 2009.  My Hopkins Doc stated in my report last year that since the spinal cord does not go all the way through the L Spine, I did not need it examined.

It would be great to have someone who could help me navigate this process.  Someone to give me good, solid advice about whether there is more I need to explore about my body and its problems.  Examples:  what is the cause of my limited ability to walk – can we find out yet?  Do I have psoriasis like my father and therefore arthritis?  What can I do to have less fatigue?  What is up with my eyes? What is my prognosis?  I know that the concept of a Medical Home includes a Navigator-type position.   (Read about the Patient Centered medical Home by clicking the link)  More on this in another post…

Surprise! Nomination

I received an email message this week  from Wego Health to notify me that this Blog was nomininated for one of their Health Activist Awards 2011- The Best Kept Secret Award:   “Help us find the hidden gem of the Health Activist world.  I’m pretty certain I know what reader nominated me – I’m honored.  Thank you for thinking of me.  There are many different awards and I encourage you to check them out.  I’m pleased that their process is not a popularity contest – there is a judging panel.  I’d feel this way if I was in the running or not. ;)

Thank you for reading.  I hope you are hanging in there with all you are going through.

Best,

Q

Neuro-Ophthalmologist

Filed under: Uncategorized | Tagged: , , , , , , , | 7 Comments »

What would you say if you were me?

Posted on December 10, 2011 by queenofoptimism

My goal was to complete the Exit interview (mentioned in my previous post) right away so that I could put it in the past and keep moving onward. After all, I left my previous employer 4.5 months ago.

However, I have not gotten very far on the questions. Have any ideas for how I could best answer the following?

What could the company have done differently that could have caused you to stay with the company?

Are you aware of any violations in the following areas or do you have evidence of wrongdoing during the time of your employment?

If the CEO left unexpectedly today, and you were put in charge, what are the first things you would change?

What could have changed 6 months ago that would have prevented you from leaving?

Describe any areas of conflict that have affected either your performance or morale?

i welcome all of your ideas.

Many thanks,
Q

Filed under: Disability, Health, Uncategorized | 5 Comments »

Yes, my old boss was a jerk

Posted on December 5, 2011 by queenofoptimism

Former employer called.

Wants me to complete Exit Interview.

Painful.

I worked so hard.  Treated like scum.

Discriminated.

Where do I start with this Exit Interview form?

Part of me has forgotten the specifics.  Those hurt.

one day i’ll be ready

Filed under: Uncategorized | 2 Comments »

The road to self-fulfillment is lined with prescription bottles

Posted on November 27, 2011 by queenofoptimism

How I am feeling today:

  • A little less overwhelmed with fatigue.
  • A lot more overwhelmed by anxiety.  I’m having waves of panic
  • A tad hopeful per my husband’s comment (I do appreciate this honesty), “The swelling in your face has gone down significantly.  Really.  You no longer look like your neck is being swallowed by your chin and face.”

But not hopeful enough.

I feel in adequate in a broad sense and also specifically in relationship to my job.  I don’t know what to do about the situations I’m facing.  I’m not sure why I am having such a hard time pulling together a plan of action to improve the job.  Part of me feels like  it is 100% hopeless and another part of me feels it is my fault.  - that I’m just not good enough to take on this challenge.

Then I wonder if it’s my illness or it’s that I’m out of my league or that the job circumstances stink no matter who would be sitting in the ratty old chair with a fancy job title.  I get panicky over not knowing if I am still the firecracker.  Or am I burnt out and useless?  Can I succeed in this job? I feel like i need to know.  I need a guide.  A Sensei.

Since i don’t have a mentor at the moment, I will try out a 4-Step Self-awareness Workbook.  Perhaps some wisdom will come to me. And peace.

 

 

 

 

 

Filed under: Uncategorized | 6 Comments »

Uncovering Chronic Pain

Posted on November 26, 2011 by queenofoptimism

As more days pass with taking 2.5mg of Prednisone, after 9 months of taking 10-15mg, the worse my leg muscles are feeling. This is my reminder for why I took Prednisone is the first place -

I have a myopathy or myelopathy of unknown origin. Prednisone seemed to be the only thing that helped. It gave me the ability to walk. The ability to lift my arms. And, therefore, the ability to work (and keep) a FT job.   Why?? Because it reduces pain from muscle tightness.

Now, I’m back to being crunched up in pain. I thought my docs and I had a solid pain management pain. But then, I screwed up. I’m not

 

sure what happened. But, I know I now wish I would have said, Yes – let’s go a dose higher. Because I am suffering in pain and that’s what my Doc says he doesn’t want me to do – suffer. It’s just so hard to wrap my head around that pain pills and patches are the answer until the cause of my myopathy is uncovered. While I’m not only suffering in physical pain today, I am also suffering emotionally. I feel worthless. I have held my family back from enjoying the Thanksgiving weekend. I am fatigued and in crushing pain that negatively impacts my ability to walk around a crowded house or walk upstairs to use the restroom.

I have one more day off from work and do not see how I can improve enough to walk around the office and think through the fatigue. In the past, these would be the times when I’d up the Prednisone, at least temporarily. That’s not an option I am giving myself. What will happen come Monday?

I have been reading Medical Mojave‘s blog including the post Self Care for Steroid Withdrawal or Adrenal Suppression     There is some great information in the post and related ones.  I’m not sure how applicable some of the suggestions are for me because I do not have an adrenal problem.  However, the post really clicked with me.  No wonder I am using my albuterol inhaler more.  No wonder my skin and scalp are so dry.  Prednisone was wonderful for keeping my asthma and psoriasis/eczema in check.

A message to doctors, other medical professionals, relatives, co-workers, loved ones, neighbors, friends, and people who are frustrated by us:

What do people with chronic pain  really want?

We want to feel in control.  We want to feel strong.  definitely strong.  In our bodies and our minds.

Do you agree?  What do you think people with chronic  pain (illness, disability, etc.) really want?

Many thanks for reading.

Wishing you the best,

-Q

Filed under: Uncategorized | Tagged: , , | 4 Comments »

Next Page »
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 321 other followers